Of Storms and Peace

Navigating this road called life

Swimming Against the Current

Finally! I’ve been itching to get my hands on the computer and blog and now finally it is available and the kids are going to bed now so I can just write this all out.

I saw the psychiatrist again today. I do believe this was my third visit. Each time feels like I’m swimming against the current, never getting very far and ending up exhausted and frustrated…. Not that I’m not being cooperative, just that I have to explain things over and over again to someone who doesn’t quiet understand what I mean or have any idea the magnitude of what all goes one and how much I really am affected by my movement disorder. I do want to say I am grateful, I am honestly grateful that this woman hasn’t been dismissive or just passed me on to someone else like so many other doctors I’ve encountered. She is trying to help. She did recognize right off that my tics are genetic and put me on a medication that helps. But the dystonia isn’t something she is super familiar with, and so for her to try to understand it and figure it out and decide whether I have psychogenic causes for it has been very difficult. I feel like this is way more work than it needs to be. Sometimes it feels like she is being judgmental and jumping to conclusions, I keep having to remind myself it is more probable that she is just trying to sleuth out any clue she can to put the puzzle pieces together. Problem is, it feels she is putting too much importance on one piece and not enough on another, or maybe she thinks one should go on the edge when really it fits in the middle?

I was wracking my brain trying to come up with an analogy and the best I could come up with was that it’s like trying to tell someone who has only ever used a manual type writer all the things that a computer can do. Or something like that… my movement disorder is so complicated, my eyes alone have a whole list of different ways they or the eyelids spasm, and this stuff is throughout my whole entire body!

Our visit started off with me having to wait since she was 30 min behind… I didn’t mind too much, the sun was shining finally and it felt so good warming my back. She followed me as usual to her room clear at the end of the hall. First question was about my leg twisting in and where does it twist and what all is affected? She then informed me I was using my cane on the wrong side and gave me a lesson in cane usage. Hey, I come into these sessions determined to have an open mind, so listened and responded that I was willing to try out doing it “right” and was genuinely serious about that. If I’m making myself worse by improper cane usage I am willing to change for sure! I wasn’t sure if it would work, I could only say I did it that way because it “felt better” but because of the way my body spasms I really have good reason to use the cane the way I do. But it’s worth a shot!

We talked about how the medication for the tics seems to really be helping, the tics at least. She noted that I wasn’t twitching as much, and my head wasn’t turning like it did my first visit … inwardly I noted that she must have missed the three times I had already had a neck spasm, they weren’t sudden violent jerks like the tics from prior visit, but a slow pull and without thinking I had covered it up like usual making it look like I was eyeing the books on her shelf… of course, within a few minutes of her comment my neck spasmed again and she assumed it was by power of suggestion! I then explained she must have missed seeing my prior spasms and she then commended me for being able to cover it up, saying that was good at least I could do that … I didn’t know what to make of that comment, it doesn’t mean I’m not in pain. My back and leg and foot and neck were all spasming and staying twisted and it was all undetectable by her… I was physically uncomfortable and in pain, but it wasn’t blaringly obvious….

Conversation went on about other things, at one point we got hung up on my eye spasms, I tried to explain stuff I’ve explained before, and more. Then on to my storms and how bad they can be. She didn’t like that I don’t have much of a social life and told me I need to get out more, there is a world of reasons that is very difficult for me right now, but the main one I gave was fragrances being a trigger. Amazingly enough, she, and someone else she knew also get migraines from fragrances, so speaking from experience she was encouraging me that for small group things to simply request no one wear perfume… sigh. That does help, but doesn’t fix everything. It’s one of those things probably only someone who has a debilitating disorder or other physical limitations can even begin to understand I guess. One of those things I just wanted to be done talking about. It’s not like I am naturally a recluse, I used to love socializing when I wasn’t so sick!

She gave me a new assignment of keeping a log for a month of how much sleep I get, if I eat enough, and if I have bad episodes and what I was thinking and doing at the time they come on… truthfully this is something I should have done a very very long time ago, any doctor would be glad to have it, and so again I very readily agreed to do it. It should be interesting. I did tell her I spasm all day every day, and asked what it was I was supposed to document. She is more interested in the bigger episodes, the ones that puts a stop to what I’m doing. So, we shall see how that goes!

Walking out I knew I would be carefully observed so I made sure to switch sides with the cane. Sure enough I was much more unsteady. She stood there watching me carefully and then told me that I could lean in the direction of the cane, I didn’t have to lean to the other side anymore… I tried to explain that I wasn’t leaning so much as it was the spasm I have twisting my back that direction like I had tried to explain several times before. I may have looked like I was leaning heavily on my cane earlier when I had the cane on that side, but truly most of that was purely back spasm. I admit that last exchange about the cane was so very frustrating. I just keep trying to explain stuff and it’s not getting across in a way she can understand it I guess.

I am truly anxious to see the movement disorder specialist… it will be good to finally see someone who has somewhat of an idea what I am trying to say, and hopefully will recognize what she sees for what it truly is. I’m so very very weary of trying to explain it all. I really wish (and hope some day) that they teach more in med school about dystonia, and in a realistic way. It is after all the third most common movement disorder behind essential tremor and Parkinson’s disease.

Maybe all this frustration and even exasperation over appointments like today is helping me become more comfortable and more hopeful about seeing the new Movement Disorder Specialist, I don’t know. I feel I must be missing something or needing to learn something by this. Maybe better ways of communicating what dystonia is?? But then again, if They don’t believe it is all caused by dystonia then that puts a damper on it. All I know is, I dread going every time, I come away frustrated, but yet hold gratitude that she helped with the tics and maybe that is all that she was meant to help me with.

A Blubbering Mess

Been pushing myself too hard physically, been going through a lot of stress preparing my stack of records for the new Movement Disorder Doctor, been apprehensive about that upcoming appointment, and to be honest, also been dreading my appointment with the psychiatrist this week.  But all this pales in comparison to the news we got today.

Long story short, we were told that our two yr old has a lot of cavities in his teeth and some of them pretty bad. It was recommended that he gets put out to get the whole lot of them worked on. I was not surprised by the news, and I was pleased at how sweet and good they were with working with him today. But still I cry every time I let myself think about it. My poor baby.  Now we have this looming over our heads.  I look at him and remember how sad and upset he was today while we were waiting to be seen and know that being put out will be scary for him and it breaks my heart.  It will be scary for me too, knowing how severe of an allergic reaction he had to a prescription medicine a while back… what if he has a reaction to anything they give him?….

I would do anything to take this on go through it instead of him… I would rather go through all my suffering than watch my children suffer…

Yes, I’m a a blubbering mess and super stressed, with a whole list of odd random things that really shouldn’t be bothering me so badly. Patience level is too short. Deep breaths. Praying for my baby and that we can find a good Dr to work on his teeth and that we can get it done and over with soon.

So Thankful

A few minutes ago there was incredible amount of giggling coming from my bed…. and just now my toddler came to me and said “Ma! I wan breakdast!” A sign the night is officially over. I survived! Somehow, by the grace of God I survived the night solo parenting while my husband is away on a business trip.  I lost count how many times I got up taking care of one child’s needs or another.  The appreciation I have had for all my husband usually does during the night has deepened immensely. How does he ever get any sort of sleep on the nights I keep waking us both up by my spasming and the children repeatedly cry out for him? God bless that man!  I certainly will have to take a nap today. But for now I’m up and need to put wet sheets in the wash and fix breakfast and….

I thank God all the time for the special gift being a Mom is to me. I love and adore all four of my little sweethearts and so glad I had them before getting to be as sick as I am now… especially glad for the fourth one who was a surprise, a very very much wanted child, but didn’t know if I was well enough to handle another pregnancy. His turned out to be high risk pretty much the whole way through but he is so worth it! These little people are the reason I get up every day, literally. They are so full of life and love it is impossible to be sad or down for long. They are the reason I keep trying, they are the motivation to keep fighting for better care long after I want to just give up.

I can’t give up. Their daily needs keep me going, while their future need keep me always thinking ahead.  Being a parent of four small children can be difficult in and of itself, but when it is a physical struggle just to take care of myself sometimes it becomes especially challenging. However, I am so glad for it and incredibly thankful.  On one hand, my children do have it hard because of me, and I do struggle with guilt at times because I can’t do things with and for them that “normal” moms can… but on the other hand? They lead a richer and fuller life now than I could have ever given them on my own. They have their Aunt and Grandparents investing a lot of time in to their lives and education. Their upbringing is a team effort by a whole “village” of people who love them dearly. Something that wouldn’t have been if I hadn’t gotten sicker and hadn’t moved back “home” to be closer to family. I have literally watched them blossom since moving here. I’m thankful that they have adapted and are doing well despite having a mommy who struggles so. I am blessed by the empathy that each one is developing, and their normal happy kid antics keep me laughing.

I just now realized that last paragraph could be taken by a psychiatrist as enough reason for “secondary gain”… ugh. This was supposed to be a positive happy post and then that comes to haunt me. If anyone thinks for a minute that I would prefer my children get to experience their first trip to the local zoo without me or their first hay ride while I stay behind at home have another thought coming. It breaks my heart not to get to be there for everything. It is difficult to let go and let someone else do projects with them or get to teach them things that I feel should be my privilege as a mother. I’m learning to let go though because I know my personal wishes to get to be there for everything will only keep them from getting to do things.

Back to happy thoughts. I am so glad I somehow get to be “Momma” to four of the dearest children on earth. They keep me going. I’m glad we have extended family and friends who love them and are willing to step up and help when needed. And most of all, I am so thankful for their Daddy who loves us all and takes care of the night shift so faithfully.  I certainly couldn’t do it without him. Thank you sweetheart for all you do. I love you!!!

Have to

Got up. Went back to bed. In and out of sleep. Husband left for work. Fell back to sleep, woke up, I must get up! Pain, spasms, sleep… Ah! Really I must get up! Must eat and take meds, must take care of kids. Out again. Finally toddler comes and joins me. Pantless, no diaper, says he doesn’t know where a diaper is. Momma instinct finally overrides the extreme pain and misery. Got up got diaper, and pants, why didn’t Daddy put pants on him?

Have to force myself to stay up, I have children to take care of, a party to prepare for. I keep it simple, but have meat to cook up into BBQ/sloppy Joe’s… have two cake mixes to bake… MUST do this. I can’t let my precious sweetheart down.

I can’t seem to keep my mind together… eyes are spasming making focusing hard. Trying to read emails or face book, my mind puts all the words in a jumble after the first sentence.. having a hard time even typing my own thoughts here… hope I don’t mess up the cake recipes, thankfully they are simple.

Pain levels are so high. That new med for the Hyperuricemia must be working. Spasms won’t leave me alone.

Wait a minute, I’m complaining …. that’s not gonna help any.

Preschooler shows me a “trick” she says she had to work on it for a long time. Aw. So cute! Toddler climbs up on me with a toy stethoscope “Momma! I wan to take your temperature!” These sweethearts make it worth pushing myself too far.

Time to muster up all my hidden reserves, time to get myself upright and propel my body forward  …there is a pile of wet bedding that needs to be put in the washing machine… there is a list of things that must be done. Body, did you hear that? I have no time for your acting out and misbehaving… and turn the pain dial down while you are at it ok?

Pep talk, pep talk. Any which way I can convince my body to hang in there and cooperate even a little just a few more days!

Not Enough

If strong will and determination was all it took I would be living a normal life driving myself places, hiking for miles, getting creative in the kitchen, attending Church every Sunday and getting involved in social events…

But it’s not enough.  I keep hoping that if we find and treat enough “organic” disorders and illnesses I will get better, or at least somewhat so. Sure, it is working to a degree, my tics are no where near the intensity and frequency they used to be, but it hasn’t improved my overall condition. Doctors and therapists and everyone take my report that the meds are working as wonderful positive news, and it is, but it doesn’t mean I’m getting better.

My over all condition continues to deteriorate. Sure I have “good” or more accurately “better” days, and I do hit plateaus for a few weeks at a time where I get a break from getting worse… sometimes the decline is more imperceptible than others, but sometimes I can literally feel things degenerating by the minute…. technically that may not be an appropriate term, as I have been assured over and over I don’t have a degenerative disease, but it feels like it more than sometimes.

It is impossible to remain upbeat and hopeful all the time, especially when hopes and plans get ruined time and time again.  It is difficult to be all chipper and happy when night after night is full of spasms and fitful sleep… and then after a night like last night where I kept waking my husband and myself up with the more violent sort of spasms and jerks and struggling just to breathe.

It looks like I need to readjust and lower my expectations again. It seems like once I finally get comfortable and accept the way things are they get worse and I have to refocus. I will get there. I know I will. There are plenty of things still to enjoy and be grateful for. But, I don’t need to pretend all is peachy. It is normal and even healthy to grieve over losses. Sometimes tears are needed. Sometimes taking a break from everything is essential.

Today I mourn the loss of my hopes and plans for the weekend. I am saddened that my body again has disappointed me and my children. I still yet have to try and discern if it is safe to be left alone so at least my husband and children don’t have to give up going to Church too… 

I will let myself grieve. Determination and strong will may not be enough, but I will not allow myself to wallow in self pity. I will find things to be thankful for and I will still hope for a better tomorrow.

Possible Answers

What a day this has been! Seems like I was on a roller coaster ride on how I felt emotionally and physically! My BP dropped to 86/54 which for me is super low, making me so tired and out of it I didn’t know how I was going to be able to get dressed and ready to see the Dr. On top of that, with all the info I’m supposed to be gathering for the new MDS (movement disorder specialist) I have been fighting back flash backs over the way I was treated around the time some of those tests were run. All the trauma and even abuse I endured during that time is difficult for me still. I really wished I could see my therapist and pour my heart out, or sit down and blog, but instead I had to hurry up and get ready to go to my PCP about my blood test results. That had me stressed out too because I still was confused about some of it. But hey, the stress of that and other things helped bump up my blood pressure enough to give me the energy I needed to get things done. =)

It was a relief after waiting for over a week since I first heard something was up to finally be able to see my PCP. She is a dear and kindly explained all the results of all the tests and her conclusions about them. It turns out my uric acid levels are only mildly high. Instead of using the term “gout” she is calling it “Hyperuricemia”… but basically same difference, high uric acid levels forming crystals that are causing pain. Only, for me, there isn’t an obvious place where it is inflamed and swollen. It seems I am probably genetically predisposed since both my parents have had gout attacks. If I remember correctly she told me she had two paitients in the past year who were like me with “all over achy joints” as she put it. They too had high levels of uric acid and she treated them for it and they improved. Therefore, she has hopes that this is what is causing my pain and that with treatment I will feel better. So, we have a month long trial of lots of anti inflammatories, and something to help lower the uric acid… more pills, but hey, if it works I will be very grateful! Amazingly enough, she says the latest studies show that diet doesn’t play as big of a role as they used to think and so I’m on no diet restrictions, which was a relief to hear!

Home again, I am tired and need to rest, but I feel hopeful. I know there isn’t a guarantee that we for sure have found the main cause for my joint pain, but at least we have a place to start and it just may be something that is actually treatable! The flashbacks have subsided, the memories are less painful right now. I may still beg my husband to obtain those certain records for me, that seems a bit cowardly to me, but if it keeps my anxiety about it down it is probably a better idea, especially if just thinking about it got me so worked up. Certainly is something that needs to be addressed in therapy… those and other painful memories I would just as soon forget about. Sometimes seeing her once a week doesn’t seem often enough! But we are making progress and will continue to do so. In the mean time, I have plenty of positive things to think about and be grateful for, and fun things to do like wrapping presents for a daughter who’s birthday is coming up! Yes, that does sound like fun!

Tears

This is my 100th blog post. I was really hoping it could be a light hearted celebratory one, but doesn’t quite look like that’s the way it will turn out. On one hand I can hardly believe I’ve already written so many, on the other hand, I’ve had a lot to say I guess. It has been so therapeutic for me to be able to just “get it out” and write about the thoughts and feelings swirling in my head.

Today I have been absolutely wiped out. I suspect there is a whole list of reasons why. A touch of the virus my toddler had, the extra physical work I did yesterday cleaning up puke out of our carpet, the medication I’m on, the extra stress from the different phone calls I dealt with on Monday, the fitful sleep I have had for the last number of nights, and there is always the mysterious exhaustion that just likes to hit whenever it jolly well pleases.

None of those reasons seem good enough. I want, I need, to be able to be up doing things! Instead I ended up spending the better part of the afternoon in bed laying there with my back and arms and leg and neck taking their turns spasming and feeling absolutely miserable. Oh it wasn’t severe and violent, and certainly not scary, but it was not restful that’s for sure!

My sister had prepared lunch and then my husband cooked supper. Somehow I managed to clear the table afterwards both times while fighting my body to keep my balance, but that’s about all I got done today. It reduced me to tears. Why is it I’m so sick all the time and can’t hardly do anything any more? Oh sure, today is the exception. Usually I can get meals around, and do a little bit more than I did today. But those meals usually are the simplest easiest things I can come up with, that take the least amount of time and energy. I get frustrated over my dirty bathroom, or kitchen floor, that doesn’t get cleaned as often as I would like, or the gathering dust in the living room…

I compare myself to just a few years ago, and while I had my ups and downs back then, I still managed to accomplish a whole lot more with much more ease than now… and to think there was a day maybe only 10 years ago when I would spend hours in the kitchen putting up produce??!! Where has that girl gone? Oh why can’t I manage to be able to do what “normal” people take for granted, doing things without even thinking about it?

I realize this is why we are going through all the work of going to different doctors and going through therapy. It is stressful and tiring and a lot of work to see new doctors and have several to try to coordinate between. However, I am grateful that we are finally starting to sort things out and find the things that can and need to be treated. I’m thankful for the difference the one prescription seems to be making, I still would rather be a little tired and slightly out of it from that than go through the exhaustion and pain and embarrassment the tics were causing. It’s not taken it away 100% but certainly enough to be worth it. Hopefully after seeing my PCP tomorrow, I will have more help with managing my pain levels, which should help the fatigue and just maybe even the dystonic spasms to a degree… we are getting there, but I certainly have no promise of a cure for even half of what ails me, and don’t even know if I will get “well” enough to get back to the way things were.

Usually I try to focus on the things I can do, and do my best to enjoy them. I try to be as independent as possible and do as much as I can. But sometimes, the tears do come. Sometimes it does get really really frustrating, and I grieve what once was. So, today, there are tears. Hopefully tomorrow there will be laughter.

Unstrung

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My Guitar strings were delivered yesterday. I was pleased to see them! Somehow though, I only managed to find time to take the old strings off my guitar before I had to put the whole project away and do things more important.

I quite feel a bit like that guitar, being unstrung and then be told to wait. Yesterday wasn’t the best as far as phone calls and news were concerned. It all started Thursday evening when I found I had a message on my phone from the clinic telling me they had my blood test results and wanted me to call back Monday to tell them how I was doing. How I was doing??? I had assumed those tests would come back normal, had no reason to believe they wouldn’t. It was just to rule out other things than fibromyalgia for my joint and muscle pain, it was a “just in case” thing. Of course it would be a holiday weekend and a very very long wait until I could call back. I tried to reason with myself that it probably meant nothing other than an odd way of asking me to call back, and did fairly well distracting myself with other things, but I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit to it being at the back of my mind, coming forward to bother me from time to time.

Monday morning I called them as requested to find out that yes, all of my tests were normal, except for one. My uric acid levels are high, how am I feeling? What did she mean how was I feeling? I was blown away, in shock, didn’t know what I was supposed to think… I asked what she meant. She wanted to know what I came in for, oh, joint and muscle pain… how is that now? Still terrible. Ok, the Dr wants you to come in to discuss a treatment plan… what does high levels of uric acid mean? well, pretty much, it looks like you have gout. GOUT??? I know what it is, but it doesn’t seem to fit. I really needed to do some research to find out if it I just didn’t understand it like I thought I did.

I’m still confused a bit, it seems maybe it must be right, but if so, I’ve had it for 15 YEARS or more??!!! I have so many questions, but I don’t get to go in until Friday to discuss all this with the Dr. What about fibromyalgia, is that totally off the table? Is it a mix, or is it just this gout, a type of particularly painful arthritis? I don’t seem to fit the mold when it comes to age of onset or visible inflammation or swelling… I always thought it affected isolated joints, the info says it often starts in the big toe etc, but left untreated it can spread to other joints forming the painful needle like crystals and causing pain…. Slowly it dawned on me, yes, at least 15 years ago I actually did have horrible pain in my toe(s), and later, in a knee… I thought those flairs were due to injury or over use, like tendonitis or something, never dreamed it would be something I should actually treat with more than just rest, or go to the doctor for. But later, I’ve complained to various practitioners about the pain in my joints, how I can acutely feel each one… and no one, no one ever even considered or tested me for gout.

I’m trying to wrap my head around the whole thing, and figure I’ll have more to wrap my head around once I actually get to see the Doctor and discuss it all. I’m dealing with feelings of anger and frustration that I have suffered needlessly for so many years from something that was treatable, that it got this bad, that it could possibly have done needless damage to my joints… but have a little ray of hope that just maybe we can do something about it, that maybe with the right treatment I won’t have to suffer so badly any more….

In the meantime I got another phone call, this one from the Neurologist’s office whom I’m to be seeing in August, they were requesting information from other doctors that I either don’t feel is accurate or ready, and they want it ASAP because just maybe they will get a cancellation and I can come in sooner. I’m still working through all that, don’t want to start the whole process with this Dr with a record of refusing to cooperate, at the same time, with all that info sent, I feel like I’m “doomed” from the start. But I have to trust (and pray) that this lady is worth her degrees and is an independent thinker willing to come to her own conclusions… I need someone I can get along with and feel like we are fairly on the same page, so I am hoping that will be the case despite everything else.

So yes, I feel quite unstrung. I honestly can’t wait until I see my therapist tomorrow. I thank God that He put her in my life when He did. I had no clue just how much I would need a therapist these past few weeks! Just a few days later Friday will finally come and I can get on with understanding what all this means and what the Dr is thinking and what treatment plan she has in mind. Until then, I need extra prayer and extra grace. Hopefully both my guitar and I can get strung back properly again soon, and maybe together we can make a new song.

Down Memory Lane

My present assignment for therapy is to make a timeline of all the significantly painful times and losses in my life. I admit I’ve been putting it off. I’ve caught yet another virus and some of the children have it too so we have not been feeling well and just trying to keep up with making sure everyone has clean clothes to wear and food to eat. But I can’t keep putting it off. I slept the better part of this morning thanks to my dear husband, so now, while every one else is napping I figured I’d better get started. I’d much rather spend nap time enjoying something rather than finding old wounds, but I need the relative quiet that naptime gives.

I have an advantage most people don’t have. We have a lot of our childhood history written up already in the form of a school news letter we put out during the school year. It all started when my sister was given a little “printing press” for her birthday or Christmas. She dreamed of publishing a newspaper with it. It was a lot of work using those stamps, so she ended up creating a header for her paper with the stamps, than hand writing her own little paper about various things and events that were happening. Mom soon saw this as a wonderful opportunity to teach creative writing, so it was soon switched to typing the articles out, and eventually as we got older my brother and I joined in with writing it. First we dictated what we wanted to say, then we wrote it out our selves. We mailed this news letter out to family and friends, and by the end had quite a few people on our mailing list for it just being a little friends and family thing. This is where my love for writing was born. I learned so much from the process of putting out those papers, and now, here there are, a treasure trove of information, complete with dates and everything.

I was really reluctant to get started, but only a few papers in I am smiling more than I am cringing…. This will be good for me to sift through this old stack of yellowing papers. It may take a whole lot more time than I’d had hoped, but it will be good, and worth it.

Progress

It has been quite the day… I’m still recovering from somehow forgetting to take my meds yesterday morning after having already failed to take them the night before. The tics went crazy and were exhausting, but it was a nice confirmation that yes, the meds indeed are helping!   Now if we can just find something that helps with the dystonia, even a little.

After a bit of phone tag between me and the receptionist I now have my appointment made for my first visit with our local Movement Disorder Specialist (Neurologist) for the end of next month. I have to  wait 8 weeks but since I was assuming it would be a 3-6 MONTH wait this sounds pretty good to me!

Saw the therapist again this afternoon. I actually broke down and cried this time, but it was over discussing a stressful situation I’m stuck in the middle of right now that has nothing to do with my health issues…. once we finally got around to talking about the psychiatrist wanting us to look for secondary gain etc the therapist told me that she honestly doesn’t see it… for all that we’ve talked about during all our sessions it is obvious in every situation the losses outweigh the gains. And the gains really aren’t a gain compared to what I had to trade for it….  She does want me to think back if there were any possible way there might have been secondary gains when I first got sick… it seems there are obviously none now but could there have been then? I plan to really think that one through but I’m pretty sure the answer is no.   She also told me she feels like I am handling things very well, the children, the illness, life in general…  all of this was so wonderful to hear. I already thought so, but to have a trained professional say it, someone who can report back to the Psychiatrist and eventually my new Neurologist was a relief.     Next assignment is to explore deeper into difficult life events, Times of loss to see if anything like that has anything to do with triggering my movement disorder… wouldn’t be surprised if perhaps there will be more tears next session, but for now, I am just so happy with all the positive progress.

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