I hardly know what to say. I’ve tried to write this blog post several times over the course of the past few days and always ended up scrapping it. What an incredibly crazy week I had last week! Both utterly exhilarating and amazing, as well as incredibly frustrating and disappointing all in one.
I had finally gotten to the point where I was feeling pretty awesome. The meds were working, the side effects had become bearable, and my injuries from my splat on the floor a few weeks ago were finally getting better. I had energy, my spasms and tics were in submission, I felt like I could (and should) do anything! And I did. I cheerfully did more housework, and gladly went shopping… I was beyond excited about getting to go along when my parents did the grocery run… I couldn’t remember the last time I had done that. I had been so sick for so long we all found it easier for them to get our groceries when they got theirs. The thought of getting to pick out my own produce was wonderful. Indeed that was the highlight of the whole trip.
I went for several days like that. I kept going, pushing myself to new limits because I could and because I want so desperately to build up my stamina and be able to do more “normal people” things. I even let myself get antsy about getting a driver’s license again, wishing I could start the process now, and not have to wait until I see my Neurologist again in 2 months. I reasoned with myself that waiting 2-3 months to be sure I was well enough to safely drive was reasonable. If I had a seizure disorder, wouldn’t I have to be seizure free for 6 months before being allowed to drive again? But it was difficult, patience isn’t my strong suit, and I could almost taste the freedom of being able to drive again.
Family members who know me best were getting concerned and kept warning me not to over do it. They know my patterns, doing too much when I feel good and then crashing afterwards. But I kept pushing. I want to build my stamina, I want to get my life back. There are so very many things I want to do and get done! My limits are no longer as constraining as they once were, I can stand up straighter, walk easier, and function better than I have in oh so long.
It was all too good to be true. My family was right, I should have listened to them. I should have paced my self more. I have no clue what that should have looked like as I don’t want to remain over cautious and never regain my stamina, but I should have been more careful. I crashed, and I crashed hard, and days later, I’ve still not fully recovered. I am mad at myself, and confused, and frustrated, and wonder, will I ever get to live a somewhat normal life again? I suppose I reached too far, expected too much, dreamed too big. Perhaps, I will never be well enough to safely drive. I keep apologizing for it, because it’s my fault I’m now so exhausted and in so much pain, and spasming so much.
My husband said something that really stuck with me. I was apologizing for doing too much too soon and he gently reminded me that everyone has their limits. It got me to thinking, no matter how well the meds work I still am human and will always have limits. Probably always more than a healthy person would, but still. I just need to figure out what those limits are. Thankfully this time around finding my new normal is with expanding horizons. And that is pretty awesome. I don’t know how many more days it will take for me to recover. I’m trying to be a bit more cautious and take things slower, and to accept I have more limitations than I would have hoped. I still have dystonia after all.